Chapter 20

I was an incredibly lonely child.  I was not especially outgoing, I was socially awkward, and I was a frequent enough target of bullying that most other children avoided me.  I had very few friends throughout school, and even fewer in the neighborhood where I lived.  The strongest examples I had in my life for lasting relationships were my incredibly problematic friendships with my brothers, and the troubled relationship between my parents.  I was able to keep myself occupied with hobbies and solo activities most of the time, but humans are social creatures, and we all need contact, friendship, and compassion, even the most introverted of us.

My first romantic relationship was with Older Brother’s childhood best friend.  As teens, the three of us took part in the only successfully completed Dungeons & Dragons campaign I have ever participated in.  During the course of the campaign, one of Boyfriend #1’s characters and one of my characters had a romance, and since both of us were emotionally confused teens, shortly after the campaign was over, we started dating in real life.

That relationship lasted for a year or two, and it was an awkward teen relationship train wreck from beginning to end.  The fact that I cannot even remember exactly how long we were dating should be a pretty good indication of how pointless and unfulfilling it really was.

To understand how things went the way they did, I need to explain my sexuality.  In my youth I identified as bisexual with a low sex drive.  This is because accurate labels for my sexuality did not exist at the time, and I was ignorant of the closest labels that did exist.  In current nomenclature, the most accurate label for my sexuality is panromantic asexual who is not sex repulsed.  What that means is, I experience romantic attraction to lots of people without any regard for gender, but I have little to no desire to follow through on that attraction with sexual encounters.

Since I do experience attraction, I was not repulsed by social pressure to date. Instead, I looked towards romantic relationships as a potential avenue to form a lifelong companionship, and to cure the loneliness which had plagued me my entire life.  Since I do not have a desire for sex, I was not going to initiate any behaviors which one would normally associate with hormone-driven teen relationships.  I have no idea why Boyfriend #1 did not make any moves either, because we never talked it, or really anything of any depth or import.  We were both nerdy and introverted, so we talked about subjects like science fiction and space exploration, hung out a lot without doing anything memorable, and were generally socially awkward in each other’s company.  We barely kissed once or twice, and never made out or saw each other without our shirts on.  The subject never even came up.

Despite that, at some point we became engaged.  I do not even remember who asked who, or how it came to be.  There was never any ring, and never any date set, but neither of us were legal adults, so that seemed like something which could be settled later.  I clung to our tenuous engagement and lackluster relationship as proof I would not need to face life alone.

That relationship ended when he suddenly stopped talking to me, went out of his way to avoid me, and ran off with Older Brother’s girlfriend at the time.  I was confused and hurt that he would not even tell me why, but there was nothing of substance there to truly mourn, just the idea of what probably never could have been in the first place.  I am curious what his perspective was on all of it, but I will never know.

My second romantic relationship was particularly horrible, and to explain why, I need to go back a few years earlier and talk about banking and finances.

When I was a small child, Mother and Father took both my brothers and I to the bank and had us all open child bank accounts.  The reasoning went that they wanted us to learn how to manage our own money, and we could save our allowances in the bank.  A few years later my parents went through their second bankruptcy, and they made us close those all-important bank accounts.  The reasoning was that their creditors could seize our money, since as children everything we owned was legally owned by our parents, not us.  Since our allowances were abysmally small, and I often used mine to make up for miserliness on the part of my parents, my account probably only had $20 in it.  Thus, closing it was not a problem at the time.

When the bankruptcy was settled, my parents did not take me to open a new bank account.  Instead, they perpetuated the fear that if I had a bank account, my personal money could be seized by their creditors.  They also added the assurance that their credit rating would prevent me from qualifying for an account anyway.  At this point I feel a little stupid for believing them, but I had no frame of reference or anyone I could ask about how banking actually worked, and I avoided questioning anything they told me because at the time I could not have handled finding out they were liars.

I was only 15 when I got my first job as a math tutor on campus at the junior college where I was attending school.  That meant I had a paycheck, and it needed to be cashed somehow, so my parents cashed it for me through their account.  Thanks to my parents’ financial fear-mongering and general emotional manipulation, even after I was 18 and had a full-time job as a contract worker I continued with this arrangement.  It was familiar and seemed easy.

Boyfriend #2 and I met at a new year’s party at the apartment of a mutual friend.  We hit it off and ended up talking until dawn.  A few weeks later we started dating.  As most abusive relationships do, it started out wonderful.  He was considerate and kind and compassionate, and happy to listen to me talk about my life and my problems, even though he did not talk about himself or anything of import much more than Boyfriend #1 had.

At his instigation, we did have very unpleasant sex, but I believed that was a necessary part of having a romantic relationship, part of the natural give and take.  I knew nothing about what would be involved in any sexual relationship, let alone a healthy one, so I did what I had been conditioned to with my family.  I went along with what he wanted, when he wanted it, and made excuses for him.

Over time Boyfriend #2 began to manipulate me into doing more and more things he wanted me to do that solely benefitted him.  At first all his requests were perfectly reasonable, but as time went by, they imperceptibly became more and more intrusive.  After we got engaged, he talked me into depositing my paychecks into his bank account, rather than having my parents cash them for me.  He did not suggest adding my name to his bank account, and never once mentioned that I should get an account of my own.  Since I trusted him, was woefully naïve, desperate to not be alone, thought I was in love, and thought we were building a future together, I agreed.

I had grown up surrounded by declarations of inadequate finances to pay for the important stuff, so it did not seem strange to me that we were always broke.  Despite having a childhood bank account, I had never been shown how to track and manage finances, budget, or anything else like that.  In all honesty, my allowance was so miniscule it was not possible for me to have enough money in my account to attempt budgeting and money management.  I thought I was in love and trusted Boyfriend #2, so I never asked to see the bank balance, and believed him when he said we did not have the money for things I wanted or needed.  He was not working, but he was in junior college.  I knew that was important, so I was happy to support his education, and believed it could be consuming a good part of my income.

When I met Diana, I had been dating Boyfriend #2 for almost two years.  She was, frankly, appalled by the relationship, which was the romantic equivalent of the same emotional manipulation and abuse she could see in my parents.  She pointed out to me that my boyfriend was crying broke, and yet had all the latest video games and toys and manga and anime while denying me evidence of where he was spending my money.  Since he did not have a job, how was he paying for that stuff except with my money?  She blasted him for leeching off me and never contributing a dime, and she pointed out the more obvious and undeniable emotional manipulations.

I felt hurt, betrayed, and confused, but once his behaviors were pointed out, I could not deny them.  I broke up with him, intending to just walk away and call it a wash, but Diana insisted that I demand what of my money remained in his bank account.  He knew he did not have a leg to stand on, so he made a big show out of closing his bank account and giving me everything that had been in it.  It was nowhere near the amount of money he genuinely owed me, but I was not emotionally prepared to pursue restitution, and felt I needed to provide for those around me before attending to my own needs.  Instead of vindication, I felt guilty for receiving the paltry remains my own money and him closing his account.

My parents were appalled that I broke up with Boyfriend #2.  They insisted that he loved me, and that I loved him, and that we could work it out.  We had been engaged.  The rings had been purchased, the dress had been purchased, and the wedding venue reserved.  Money had been put into it, and that money would be wasted if we did not get back together.  There had been nothing wrong with him holding my money for me.  That is what you do when you are making a life together.  The fact that my name was not on the bank account, and I never had any accounting of how he spent my money was not even worth mentioning.  The fact that he was completely directionless and refused to work was inconsequential.  With the Power of (false) LOVE, We Could Make It Work.

At the time I was simply confused as to why my parents were so adamant that I should remain in what was clearly a bad relationship.  At this point, I fully understand that they wanted me to stay with him because of the tangible benefits they received, and the emotional gratification of seeing me in a relationship that roughly mirrored their own.

From when Mother first started working, before I was old enough to attend school, she was the primary bread winner of the family.  She was the one who had hopes and dreams and worked towards goals.  Father was directionless and often unemployed, and yet he was the one who had greater say over the family finances, and usually got what he wanted, even if it meant others in the family went without.  He was without a doubt the one who had abusive emotional control over the entire family.  Despite understanding how horrible my parent’s marriage and relationship was, I had still found myself a boyfriend who mirrored those dynamics.  I was desperate for human connection and love, and too emotionally abused and socially awkward to recognize my own bad relationship without outside help.

It is understandable to a degree that my parents might not have wanted a mirror held up to the flaws in their own relationship, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.  If I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship, which was slowly morphing in the direction of full-on emotional abuse, I was guaranteed to remain receptive to my parents’ emotional manipulations and abuses.  Also, boyfriend #2 had been discouraging me from going to a university, and instead wanted me to focus on my job and the paycheck he was happily spending without my permission.  If I never went to university, there would never be pressure for my parents to help pay for it.  If I got married soon, and the two of us found a place together, my parents would be freed from having to pay for any of my living expenses.  Lastly, as long as I was with him, I would potentially get pregnant, and Mother could have the fun grandbaby she had always wanted!

Helping me to break up with Boyfriend #2 was another strike against Diana in Mother and Father’s eyes.  It was proof that she was going to be problematic and could potentially enable me to find the perspective to understand their abuses and put a stop to them.  If I had taken back Boyfriend #2, it is likely that would have prevented Diana and I from having much contact, yet another feature ensuring I would remain under their thumbs.

It was immediately clear to me that I never actually loved Boyfriend #2.  As soon as the problems in the relationship were pointed out, it was easy for me to see them, understand how toxic it was, and walk away.  Instead of pining for the love we once had, I felt betrayed and used.  I was never going to forgive him for things he was remorseless about, seek reconciliation, and deliberately put myself back into an abusive situation, and it was frustrating that I had to put up with months of Mother whining about how I had thrown away a “Good Thing”.

Boyfriend #3 was the healthiest conventional relationship I engaged in.  I was only 21 years old, and he was 11 years my senior, but that did not bother me.  I was not in it to get married.  I had been engaged twice now, and recognized how rushing into things out of desperate loneliness had contributed to how badly those relationships turned out.  I was in the depths of figuring out who I was and what I wanted in life, and I knew that I specifically did not want anything permanent while I was in that process.  We had many of the same hobbies and interests, greatly enjoyed the time we spent together, and he always made sure that everything was consensual and fun for both of us.  He showed me what a healthy relationship could be, built on a foundation of mutual trust, honesty, and caring.  The relationship ended when he told me he loved me, and I knew that meant he needed something more than I could give him.  I did not want to try and build a future with someone else when I had no idea what I wanted for myself.  I still look back on it as a fond friendship, and I hope he is well and happy and found that special someone to share his life with.

After that I bounced through a series of bad dates and one profoundly unsatisfying one-night stand, but I was becoming more and more comfortable with the understanding that I did not want a sexual relationship, even though I still had not encountered the label “asexual”.  Not wanting a sexual relationship precluded the possibility of a successful conventional romantic relationship, because there would be the expectation of sex.  Even though I did sexually enjoy myself with Boyfriend #3, I have no doubt the demands of meeting his sexual needs would have become more and more tedious to me, resulting in my eventual dissatisfaction, and his likely confusion about why I no longer wanted him.

The one near-miss I had with a potential girlfriend fell flat because I was no longer forcing myself to look for sex, and I missed all the signals.  I did notice that she was attractive, but I thought we were becoming friends and she got dolled up before we went out simply because she enjoyed doing that.  Her level of effort inspired me to put in a similar level of effort.  Understandably, she took my identification as bisexual as an indication that as our friendship grew I would be interested in a sexual relationship.  Looking back on it, the whole thing is cringe-worthy with mixed messages, and I feel bad I did not realize what she was hoping for.

As the friendship I had with Diana deepened, and I had my one successful romantic relationship to look back on, I found the perspective to understand what I needed from those closest to me.  It allowed me to understand that what I needed was not a sexual partnership.  I needed a friendship and a platonic partnership without the complication and confusion of sex, and Diana and I had that, effortlessly, even when she and I were in separate romantic relationships.  When Older Brother cheated on Diana and later left the marriage, it was natural for her and me to continue that friendship and partnership.  What we have exists independently of and in addition to the other people in our lives.

As the years went by, it was effortless for Diana and I to take each other’s needs and wants into consideration.  We had already lived together for years, and that solid relationship was of paramount importance to both of us.  Whether we needed to move, were contemplating further education, hobbies, or employment opportunities, everything was considered as a couple.  We never deliberately decided that was going to be the case.  It happened organically, because we valued each other’s advice and perspectives, counted on each other for continued support and friendship, and had no reason, need, or desire to go our separate ways.  What each of us wanted has always been compatible with the needs and desires of the other.  Since our relationship is based on mutual understanding and complete honesty, there are no secrets, and no resentment.

When I look back on the more than two decades I have lived with Diana, I marvel at my luck in ever meeting her and having the opportunity to develop that friendship.  It is a friendship which survived her marriage and divorce, my soul searching, all my relationships, the growth and collapse of our jewelry business, my freelance sewing and art business, countless job changes, thirteen times we have moved homes so far, Diana’s time in graduate school, and my chronic illness and disability.  Any one of those things can wreck a typical relationship, but for us, those things made our relationship stronger.  It was our friendship, mutual support, and love which saw us through and helped us to navigate the way forward.

It is extremely normal for people to assume Diana and I are a lesbian couple, but despite how much we love each other, our relationship is not based in romance and sex.  I love and value all my friendships, but the friendship I have with Diana is the one that I know I can count on for the rest of my life, through the good and the bad, until death do we part.  With her in my life, I am no longer lonely, and neither is she.