Love is always conditional, and that’s not an inherently bad thing.  In fact, it can be a very beneficial thing when we understand the circumstances when we do or do not feel love.  That understanding can help us to fine-tune our conscious boundaries so that we can avoid giving love to those who do not deserve it, and give love with abandon to those who do deserve it.

Since love is an emotion, we cannot consciously control when we do or do not feel it.  It simply happens, and it is what we do in response to the presence of love that is under our control.  However, aside from incredibly rare individuals who naturally feel love for everyone, all the time, there are always conditions upon when we do and do not feel love for others, or even ourselves.

In my personal case, I cannot love my parents because they don’t respect me, my needs, or my boundaries.  Those are conditions I have on my ability to love other adults.  I worked damned hard to be able to have those conditions, guilt free, and I am grateful for it because my life is so much better with it.  When I did feel love for them, I felt guilt for being low or no contact, and I agonized over how poor our relationships were, wondering if there was any way I could fix it.  But, there was no fixing it, because I was not the one who broke it, and my parents were not interested in fixing it for real.

I also cannot give love to people I find deplorable, or even just don’t like.  I can and often do have compassion and empathy for people in those categories, but I do not feel love for them and do not need to give them that level of personal emotional investment.

I give my love freely to my friends and chosen family, and even to strangers who touch my heart.  But, I have rescinded my love and walked away from people who proved to be dishonest, or were unashamed when found to be engaging in bigotry or racism or xenophobia, and I’m proud of myself for that.  My love is more valuable than to be wasted on people who do not deserve it.

The conditional part of love, and understanding what your conditions are, can be a powerful tool for refining your boundaries and understanding how you can be vulnerable and safe at the same time.”

I say that my parents never truly loved me, that what they gave me wasn’t love, not because it was conditional (it wasn’t), but because it came at times that demonstrated selfishness or manipulation.  Selfishness and manipulation are not love, not really.  Selfishness is the love one has for an object, a possession, not another human being.  The conditional love based on expectations of conformity so often talked about in estrangement circles is not really love either, because it comes from a place of control, domination, possession, jealousy, selfishness, or something else like that.

Even the “unconditional” love reasonable expected that every parent/carer should give their child is conditional on the existence of that relationship.  The “unconditional” love given to children because children need that to be mentally and emotionally healthy is conditional on being children.  The “unconditional” part is not so much an absolute statement, as a qualifier that, ethically and morally, the conditions on holding love for a child should never include expectations that make the child miserable or force them to deny their true selves.

Self-love is also conditional, and I believe that the fact we do not acknowledge that more often only adds to the difficulties involved in learning self-love when it does not readily exist.  Those conditions are part of what a person is trying to figure out when they ask, “Why do I not feel worthy of loving myself?”  Another way to approach it might be to instead wonder, “Under what conditions would I be able to feel love for myself?”  Figuring it out likely involves a long-term deep dive into shadow work (and hopefully therapy if you have access), but it is a journey I believe is well worth taking.

Love is Not a Limited Commodity

Love may be conditional, but it is also not a limited commodity. On the surface that might seem contradictory, but one indicates when we feel love. The other is how much love we are capable of holding.

Put another way, we all have an unlimited capacity for love. When we love other people, places, things… really, anything at all, we just feel that love. When we find new loves, we do not have to stop loving something else in order to make room for the new love. If you fall in love with a new fandom, that does not mean you must stop loving the old one. If you get a new pet, that does not mean you must stop loving the previous ones so you can love the new one. If your family grows in size, that does not mean you must stop loving someone already in your family. Our loves grows to accommodate all the things we love, because there can always be more.

There might be practical aspects or efforts that need to be altered or traded out in order to indulge in or express each love, but the love itself exists regardless. After all, out time and resources are limited, so we only have so many hours in the day to spend with loved ones, to watch that new series or movie, to listen to podcasts, etc. We only have so much space to display items that show our love, or money to spend on that tantalizing merch, go to conventions, or buy gifts.

The more loves you have, the thinner your time, attention, and resources may be spread, but that does not diminish the love in and of itself. A fan who loves Star Trek or Star Wars but has not watched anything in months (or years), does not love it any less than someone who has watched everything and knows all the latest trivia. Love is in the heart.

Of course, with relationships it gets a lot more complicated, because there are multiple people involved. Some people do not experience relationship decay over time with little to no contact, and can pick right back up months or years later like no time passed at all. For other people, that absence creates a feeling of uncaring that can quickly erode their feelings of love.

Neither is wrong. They are simply different ways that different people experience love and relationships, and it is important to understand if that kind of differential experience may play into any particular relationship.

Love may be conditional, but it is also not a limited commodity. On the surface that might seem contradictory, but one indicates when we feel love. The other is how much love we are capable of holding.

An important expression of love in relationships with other humans is taking the time to understand the boundaries and needs of everyone involved. Respecting others and being respected in return, and providing for the needs of others and having needs respected in return is always a love language.

But relationships and love are two different things, for not all relationships involve love, and not all forms of love involve relationships. There are times when a relationship ends because one person falls out of love, but for the other the love continues, though perhaps in the form of melancholy or heartbreak.

Even death does not end love, and grief is often love with nowhere to go.

Love is a Precious Unlimited Commodity

Love may not be a limited commodity, but it is still precious. It is an emotional investment and a close tie to your own wellbeing, one that is needed for us to be happy and satisfied as social creatures, but also one that can be exploited to create harm.

Treating your love as precious even if it is not scarce, can be helpful in cultivating meaningful love of all kinds in your life.

The conditional part of love, and understanding what your conditions are, can be a powerful tool for refining your boundaries and understanding how you can be vulnerable and safe at the same time.

After all, what is love if you can’t be both vulnerable and safe in it at the same time?