Positive affirmations as they are typically done, do not work for me, and I am certain that is also true for a lot of other people who are also neurodivergent, and others as well.  But, the idea has value, and affirmations can be approached in ways that will work even for those of us who recoil at typical positive affirmations.

Where Positive Affirmations go Wrong

Overly positive affirmations do not work for me, because they are based on the idea that if you lie to yourself long enough and consistently enough, you can convince yourself that what you are saying is, in fact, the truth.  This approach works for most neurotypical people and some neurodivergent people as well, which is why it is used so often in both propaganda and advertising.  Repeat something enough times, and the brain decides it could be true, then is likely to be true, and then is true.

However, my brain goes full stop when I knowingly lie to anyone, even myself. I am not immune to unintentionally lying to myself, but when I repeat something I know or feel is a lie, it only deepens the feeling of it being a lie, and adds guilt on top because I know it is a lie and I am saying it anyway.  This is a recipe for moving further away from the goals of the positive affirmation, making myself worse off for the effort than I was before trying.

Also, in spiritual circles positive affirmations are often wrapped up in toxic positivity, a morally superior school of thought that believes if you only think “good” things, and deny anything “negative”, you can create your own endless bliss. These people drive me bonkers because you cannot fix anything if you refuse to acknowledge the problems exist in the first place. They believe that straightforward acknowledgement of painful situations or problems is “negative” because it creates discomfort, and thus should never be done. Attempting to address those problems is even more uncomfortable, and thus an unwelcome disruption to their “positivity” and “higher vibrations”.

Toxic positivity also vilifies certain emotions as “negative” or “bad”, to be avoided at all cost. I vehemently oppose the idea that any emotion (like fear or anger) is inherently bad or negative.  Every emotion is valid and has value. It is how we respond to the presence of those emotions that can be good or bad, not the existence of that emotion in and of itself. In fact, those “negative” emotions can be incredibly valuable, especially for inspiring beneficial changes or helping us to protect ourselves and those around us.

Overly positive affirmations do not work for me, because they are based on the idea that if you lie to yourself long enough and consistently enough, you can convince yourself that what you are saying is, in fact, the truth.

Positive affirmations set up through toxic positivity also often have a “fake it till you make it” mentality, where the loftier the affirmation the better, and recognizing blatant lies or unrealistic expectations is seen as “negative”. They frequently have wording that encourages setting affirmations that are unrealistic, or that you might fail to achieve for reasons outside of your control.

“I can. I will. End of story,” is one such affirmation, taken from a list that includes many problematic affirmations. As a disabled person who had no intention of becoming disabled and having to close my business because of that disability, I promise you that it is possible to put all you can into something and still fail, through no fault of your own. Years ago I knew a wonderful and successful small business selling pet supplies, where the landlord saw their success and tripled the rent. Despite their success, they could neither afford that much increased rent, nor the expenses involved in setting up and moving to a new space, so they were forced to shut down.

For me, becoming disabled was a hard enough blow to my confidence and self-worth all on its own. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if I had been doing an affirmation like that, and intentionally entangled my self-worth with my business goals.

Positive Affirmations When You are Sensitive to Little Lies

The goals of positive affirmations are extremely worthwhile, and WebMD has a well-balanced article on how to use them without lying to yourself.  The intention is to help your psychology move towards a way of thinking that is better for your mental health and overall wellbeing by changing your internal narrative from negative to positive.  Some of the more common and helpful positive affirmations center on self-confidence, self-worth, self-love, perception of the physical body, etc.

However, even well-structured positive affirmations can go wrong for people like me when they jump straight to the final goal sentiment, which is potentially going to feel a lot like a lie if you are having enough trouble with the issue to attempt positive affirmations in the first place.

In other words, if you are having difficulty loving yourself or feeling you deserve to be loved, the positive affirmation solution is usually to jump straight to, “I love myself and deserve to be loved.”

Which might feel like a lie.

So, if you can repeat something to yourself and it will eventually feel true, go for the positive affirmation, even if it feels like a lie right now.

If your brain works like mine in this regard, and repeating something that feels like a lie only reaffirms that it is a lie, a positive affirmation of this sort will probably make it worse instead of helping.

In the latter case, instead of jumping straight to the goal affirmation, it is important to be honest with yourself while still pushing your boundaries towards that ultimate goal.

Even well-structured positive affirmations can go wrong for people like me when they jump straight to the final goal sentiment, which is potentially going to feel a lot like a lie if you are having enough trouble with the issue to attempt positive affirmations in the first place.

Creating Your Affirmation List

I already have this process outlined for self-love in Magic to Encourage Self-Love, so here I am going to focus on affirmations for self-confidence.  The lists below are examples, so if you are wanting to do affirmations for a different issue, roughly follow these templates, but replace self-confidence with the issue you are working on.

When you are making your own list, the various ideas you express will probably have four distinct levels of affirmation:

• I want it to apply to me.
• I can see it applying to me.
• I know it can/will apply to me.
• It applies to me.

For a simple list of personalized affirmations, just replace “it” with the issue you want to improve.  In the case of self-confidence, this would be:

• I want to have self-confidence.
• I can see myself having self-confidence.
• I know I can have self-confidence.
• I am a self-confident person.

If you want to personalize it further, you can add to your personal list and make it more complex, with more aspects. These additional affirmations will depend upon your personal issues, their sources, and their manifestations.

Creating a Complex Affirmation List for Self-Confidence + Imposter Syndrome

In the complex example below, the self-confidence issues manifest primarily in work or professional settings, and are also entangled with imposter syndrome.

When building a more complex affirmation list, keep the simple list in mind. Identify your ultimate goal affirmation, which in this case would be something like, “I am a strong, resilient, resourceful, capable, and self-confident person.” Work back from there.

For the least confident affirmation it would be nice if you could just translate it to “I want to be a strong, resilient, resourceful, capable, and self-confident person.”  And yes, it does work as an affirmation, but it says nothing about how or why this individual might be capable of getting there, because it overlooks the issue of imposter syndrome.  We can omit the imposter syndrome from the final affirmation, because at that stage the goal is to no longer have the imposter syndrome interfering in work or self-confidence.  But, ignoring things doesn’t make them go away (just like “negative” things don’t cease to exist just because someone engages in toxic positivity and ignores them).  You need to work on them to overcome them.

Instead, identify how you currently feel about your confidence level.  In this example, it might feel like, “I am a fraud, and no one at my workplace realizes it.”  However, that is extremely negative, reinforcing the internal narrative that this person is a “fraud” and does not deserve to be self-confident. It also reinforces the idea that the imposter syndrome is factual truth instead of a mental health issue that prevents a person from recognizing their very real worth and accomplishments.  This will not work as a positive affirmation, so we need to make it positive.

In order to create a positive affirmation, we need to take the sentiment that is being conveyed and rephrase it in a positive light.  That would be something like, “I may make mistakes, but I am doing a good enough job that no one realizes I fear I am doing it all wrong.” A simpler version might be, “I am doing a good enough job that no one realizes I fear I am doing it all wrong.”

Making mistakes is not a barrier to doing a good job, so this can still be true even if you see the mistakes you have made and no one else does. If you have imposter syndrome and “no one realizes it,” that is because you are, in fact, doing a good enough job that no one thinks you are doing it wrong.  That makes the affirmation objectively true.  It also shifts the language from debasing yourself as a “fraud”, to acknowledging the fear that you are doing it wrong.  “Fear” is the actual problem.  “Fraud” is the conclusion drawn by that fear, and not actually true.

Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away (just like “negative” things don’t cease to exist just because someone engages in toxic positivity and ignores them).  You need to work on them to overcome them.

So, now we have two affirmations, one of which is completely positive, and another that is not entirely positive, but a step in the positive direction from a baseline of complete lack of confidence with imposter syndrome making it even messier.

• “I am doing a good enough job that no one realizes I fear I am doing it all wrong.”
• “I am a strong, resilient, resourceful, capable, and self-confident person.”

But, there are a lot of self-confidence steps in between those two sentiments, so we need to fill those in.  Keep in mind the four phases of affirmation from above, but adjust them to fit your personal issues, their sources, and manifestations in your life.  This set of affirmation is focused on doing things, since the main manifestation is in work or professional life.  They also start with fully acknowledging the imposter syndrome, but move in a direction that replaces the lies of the imposter syndrome with the truths of the affirmations.

• “I am doing a good enough job that no one realizes I fear I am doing it all wrong.”
• “I am doing a good enough job, and I am capable of believing I am doing them well.”
• “I am doing a good enough job.”
• “I am capable of doing a lot of things, and I am capable of seeing that I do them well.”
• “I am doing a good job at a lot of things.”
• “No one knows how to do everything, but I know how to do a lot of things well, and I can always learn how to do more.”
• “I am a capable person, and I am capable of learning my worth.”
• “I am a capable person, and I can see myself deserving to hold space in the world.”
• “I am a capable person, and I deserve to hold space in the world.”
• “I am a person, and I deserve to hold space in the world.”
• “I deserve to hold space in the world.”
• “I deserve to hold space and be respected in the world.”
• “I deserve to hold space, and I am capable of having the strength to do it.”
• “I deserve to hold space, and I have the strength to do it.”
• “I deserve to feel fully self-confident.”
• “I can feel fully self-confident.”
• “I will feel fully self-confident.”
• “I am fully self-confident.”
• “I am a strong, resilient, resourceful, capable, and self-confident person.”

Make as comprehensive a list as you want to, and do not worry if it feels incomplete.  You can always come back later and add more affirmations to your list.  Putting them in a journal (hand written or electronic, whatever works best for you) can be helpful, so you can refer back and add or rework your affirmations over time.  If you keep your affirmations digitally, I recommend making a copy of your last affirmation list before making changes, and putting dates on the files.  That way you can look back over them and see the progress you have made, especially when things are particularly difficult or feel pointless.  Overcoming issues that can be aided with affirmations is usually a very long process, with highs and lows. It is not easy or fast, but it is worthwhile.

Once you have a list, say each item on the list at least three times.  Take the time to sit with each and write down how it makes you feel.  Does it feel comfortable or uncomfortable, and to what extent?  Does that discomfort come from feeling like it degrades you, or uplifts you?  Does it feel like the truth or a lie, and to what extent?  Does it make you feel hopeful?  Does it make you feel angry, sad, afraid, hopeful, or something else?  How many of these emotions do you feel at the same time?

If it makes you feel uncomfortable because it feels like it degrades you, cross it out!  Most of these affirmations are not 100% positive, so if they feel like they put you down, that is fantastic progress! You can go for more positive, and more affirming affirmations!  Being able to cross out affirmations from your list over time is tangible proof of the progress you are making.

Using Your Affirmation List

Focus on affirmations that make you feel uncomfortable in an uplifting or hopeful way.  Even if you are trying to avoid that feeling of lying to yourself, it is important to push your boundaries (which is always uncomfortable), or the affirmations will simply confirm your current state, and be useless for improving your issues.

Overcoming issues that can be aided with affirmations is usually a very long process, with highs and lows. It is not easy or fast, but it is worthwhile.

Avoid the affirmations that feel like outright lies, or you might as well just do traditional positive affirmations, no magic involved.

You can use a single affirmation, or multiple of them which feel uncomfortable in an uplifting and hopeful way.

When you find yourself feeling comfortable with the affirmation(s) you are using, revisit your affirmation list.  Cross off anything that now feels uncomfortable in a negative way, and change or add new affirmations as suits you currently.

Go through each affirmation, again noting how each makes you feel.  It will likely be different from the previous time you did that exercise, and will help you pick the affirmations you will now be using instead.

You can use your personal positive affirmations in the same way you might use typical positive affirmations.  That is, at least once every day, stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and repeat your affirmation at least three times. Ideally, pick a number of repetitions that has magical meaning for you (3, 5, 9, & 13 are my favorites).

Adding in the Magical Spice

You can also use your affirmations as a component for magical spells.  These are some examples, but the possibilities are limitless and will vary greatly depending upon your personal practice.

Jar magic: Write your affirmation and put it in a jar along with other components that support your mental health goals.  Just be sure the jar is closed but not fully sealed, so you can open it and change out the affirmations as you go along.  Seal the jar once you reach your final goal affirmation.

On your altar: Write your affirmation and place it on your altar in a place of prominence, empowering the affirmation with magic even when you are not reciting it.

Ask for help from Others: Write your affirmation and place it with an item that represents Other beings that you work with (ancestors, spirits, guides, deities, etc.), asking Them to help you integrate the affirmation and be able to move to even more positive affirmations in the future.

Burn it: Write your affirmation on something flammable (paper, bay leaf, corn husk, etc.) and burn it, focusing on releasing the barriers that prevent you from feeling fully comfortable with your affirmation.  Or, when you move on to a new affirmation, burn the old one to thank it for its help, and release it into the past so you can focus on the new affirmation instead.

Ritualize it: Include the affirmation in a ritual.  This can be simply ritualizing the process of saying your affirmations by doing it in front of your altar or lighting a candle or incense.  It could mean reciting your affirmations before/during/after a ritual bath, or while doing kitchen witchery, or plant witchery, or artistic witchery, etc.

Even if you are trying to avoid that feeling of lying to yourself, it is important to push your boundaries (which is always uncomfortable), or the affirmations will simply confirm your current state, and be useless for improving your issues.

Final Thoughts

Any affirmation is going to be most effective when it is used to support shadow work and therapy (hopefully you have access to it).  This is because the goals of affirmations involve addressing issues that have deep-seated emotional and psychological roots, often involving trauma. 

That means that engaging in affirmations can bring things to the surface and force you to work through them even if you are not deliberately engaging in shadow work or therapy.  It also means that deliberately engaging in shadow work and therapy will help you to address the root causes of your issues, allowing the affirmations to support that work and vice versa.

As for the neurospicy aspect, each person’s brain works differently, so this is one way to approach affirmations if the standard positive affirmations do not work for you.  I am certain there are other techniques and methods that can also be used, so work with your brain, and find the techniques and methods that work for you.