Join me on a journey. The following narrative and visualizations are a blending of several trance journeys I have taken through my subconscious.
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I realized that I had moved on from my childhood trauma, but I never went back to validate and heal who I was at the time. Essentially, I treated that me exactly the way they had been taught to expect the world to treat them – with utter and complete abandonment. No more. ALL of me deserves validation and healing, and so I am making the dedication on this full moon to accept and nurture the younger me.
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Deluding yourself, lying to yourself, might seem bad, but it can feel amazingly good. It allows us to have hope and feel good about bad situations, helps to cushion the psyche against ongoing trauma and abuse, and helps us keep equilibrium in difficult situations.
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Anger is an incredibly powerful emotion, and at the same time an incredibly tricky emotion to wield in healthy ways. It is a volatile fuel that is usually unsustainable and will burn you if you try to hold it for too long, but when given healthy space, that same volatile fuel will naturally burn itself out and can facilitate the most amazing transformations.
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I am in a weird place emotionally right now, and in many ways I am struggling. I am wrestling with the demons of old trauma response as I try to find joy, hope, and brevity in my life. Like any time I struggle with trauma response, it is ugly, painful, messy, and difficult. There is no one answer to the problem of finding joy and alleviating the trauma, especially right now.
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One very common practice in witchcraft, paganism, and most pagan-tangential traditions is divination. It is found worldwide, in every culture, in some form or another, throughout history, and is one of the few fundamentally human activities found anywhere and anywhen. Even when divination is vilified and outlawed, it is still present, practiced in the shadows. Just about anything can be used as a vehicle for divination, but tarot is fabulously popular currently, even in mundane circles. But why do we do it? What exactly do we get out of it?
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If we are conscientious and deliberate, we can work with fear to choose responses and actions that foster good instead of adding to the misery in the world.
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I have mentioned repeatedly in various articles that it is important to be completely honest with yourself, especially when engaging with shadow work. I also usually include a few words about how critical it is to be compassionate and non-judgmental in your honesty, but what exactly does that mean? How do you avoid being hyper-critical or beating yourself up when you are honest with yourself about things you do not like? It is far easier said than done, but I believe that process works best with loving honesty instead of brutal honesty.
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As cases of COVID-19 are surging throughout the United States, I cannot help but wonder about my birth family, how they are faring, and if they are safe. It is a strange thing to have no idea, to be aware that I may never know, to be glad for the estrangement which prevents that knowledge, and yet to wonder and hope that they are well. It creates a paradox of conflicting emotions, a cognitive dissonance, to be so concerned, and yet know that it is far and away in my best interest to retain the distance of estrangement I created.
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Doing shadow work is hard. Managing chronic pain is hard. Both have less negative impact on quality of life when they are managed in healthy ways.
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