Words Have Power – We Need Acceptance Instead of Tolerance was originally published to The Balancing Path column on Patheos Pagan, on July 29, 2020. It is presented here with some edits from the original.

Words have power, and the specific words we choose have impact beyond the basic or superficial meanings of those words.  In issues of social justice, we need to seek acceptance instead of tolerance.  This is because we need to be conscious of how we frame or re-frame our goals when seeking equality and inclusion for any and all marginalized groups, whether or not we are personally a part of those groups.

There is a bit of a tendency in social justice, especially those who see social justice as a bad thing, to behave as though the “acceptance” and “tolerance” are identical in meaning.  After all, both include the meaning that something should be allowed to happen.  However, if you look up the word “acceptance” at thesaurus.com, you don’t see “tolerance” listed as a primary synonym.  This is because the shared sentiment of “should be allowed” is a small component of the definitions of the two words, and not the full meaning of either.  Taking “should be allowed” out of context for the sake of false equivalency obfuscates the core meanings of both words.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, acceptance is “general agreement that something is satisfactory or right, or that someone should be included in a group.”  Tolerance is “willingness to accept behavior and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them.”

Superficially, the two definitions seem similar.  The word “acceptance” is even in the Cambridge definition for “tolerance”.  Yet, when you are talking about the practical application of the two terms, the differences become profound, and “acceptance” becomes a far better choice than “tolerance”.

A Closer Look at “Tolerance”

In a practical sense, “tolerance” means that you swallow your dislike of something, maybe even put on a fake smile, and allow it to happen or exist.  This was one of the primary “politically correct” buzzwords of my youth in the 1980’s and 90’s.  Almost no one I noticed was asking for “acceptance”.  They just begged for “tolerance”.

Why?  Because “tolerance” is a smaller step than “acceptance”.  When you ask for “tolerance”, you are asking people who dislike who and what you are to ignore it and allow you to go about your life in peace.  It makes no demands on the other party to change anything about how they feel or think.  It only asks them to change their behavior.

“Acceptance” is in the Cambridge definition for “tolerance” because the individual in question is being asked to accept that the other person (behavior, belief, etc.) is allowed to exist.  That is it.  They should be allowed.  The definition explicitly states that you do not need to agree with or approve of what is being tolerated.

Because it is an easier pill to swallow, tolerance can be useful as a first step towards acceptance, inclusion, and equality.  However, if all efforts stop there, all efforts are doomed to failure.

Emphasizing “tolerance” is a microaggression, because it carries with it the implicit bias that the allowance is a grudgingly bestowed concession.  Underneath that allowance, the dislike or hatred of what is being tolerated continues unabated.  When circumstances change, the underlying dislike or hatred can kick in, and intolerant behavior can and will resume.  During the last few years in the United States we have been seeing this affect in action, as those who “tolerated” their fellow humans are emboldened to re-assert their fundamental beliefs that being anything other than a cis-gendered heterosexual white Christian is bad and wrong.

When the beliefs underlying intolerance and hatred remain intact, resentment builds up over being forced to tolerate that which is believed to be deplorable.  In time, and with opportunity, those beliefs can and will assert themselves and undo any benefits that had previously been achieved through acts of tolerance.

Seeking “tolerance” is not unlike building a wooden bridge over a bonfire.  Sooner or later the festering belief in wrongness will burn down any bridges that have been built between the two groups.

A Closer Look at “Acceptance”

When we genuinely accept our fellow human beings, in all their diversity, we understand that who and what they are is not “bad” or “wrong”, and that attempting to value them in such a way is a falsehood and misdirection.  It allows us to stop judging other peoples’ existences and beliefs in an absolute manner, and instead coexist genuinely peacefully, without the resentment inherent to patterns of tolerance.

“Acceptance” asks for more than just changes in behavior.  It demands changes to how we see and understand the world and people around us.  It requires us to examine beliefs that people who are unlike us are bad or wrong or evil, and to unpack those beliefs and undo the adversarial views which underpin such philosophies.  It asks that we grow to understand that the vast majority of other people are simply different, and accepting those differences is an act of basic respect and human dignity.

Accepting is very much about fundamentally treating and viewing others as you would like to be treated and viewed.  It is safe to say that the overwhelming majority of people want to be given basic dignity and respect.  That is, they want to have their existences and beliefs accepted and respected.  But, respect is a two-way street.  If you want to be treated with dignity and respect you must give others dignity and respect as well.  Demanding respect and dignity while denying that same respect and dignity to others is abusive and controlling.  The healthy response to such behavior is to deny respect and dignity to those who demand it for themselves and refuse to give it to others.

It is the fact that acceptance requires changes in beliefs and attitudes that makes it both so difficult to achieve, and also so very important to seek.

Seeking acceptance is not unlike building a stone bridge and dousing the bonfire at the same time so it cannot undermine the stability of the bridge.  Acceptance is an approach which addresses the foundations of the problem and fixes them at the root.  Tolerance ignores the root causes and attempts to build a bridge on top of quicksand.

It takes longer and is much harder to address and fix root problems, but in doing so we can create lasting changes.  Quick fixes are usually quickly undone as well.

The Importance of Shadow Work

Seeking an attitude of acceptance often requires shadow work – potentially messy, difficult, painful shadow work.  That is because the beliefs that create intolerance and hate are often formative and foundational, and a result of cultural indoctrination from a young age or under impressionable circumstances.  No matter how woke we believe we are, we all carry with us ingrained biases and prejudices.  Undoing them usually requires examining the attitudes and behaviors we were taught as children and youths, or by trusted teachers and mentors, and consciously working to understand and change those beliefs which are problematic.

I would be lying if I said this kind of work was easy or common.  Most people go through their entire lives ignoring the fact that shadow work exists, let alone that they might benefit from doing some of it themselves.

Yet, it is essential to do that shadow work if you want to be more accepting of your fellow humans.  You must do that shadow work if you want to treat your fellow humans with basic dignity and respect, and if you expect that dignity and respect in return.

Some resources for shadow work:

• Shadow Work and the Magic of Critical Introspection by Sidney Eileen
• What Is Shadow Work And Why Is It Crucial To Spiritual Practice? by Scarlet Magdalene
• Misconceptions About Shadow Work by Mat Auryn
• Discovering Self Through Shadow Work by Gwyn
• What is Shadow Work and Techniques for Draoithe, Priests, and Pagan Leaders by Chris Godwin
• Integrating The Shadow Self by Mat Auryn

Disclaimer, Because Sadly This Must be Explicitly Stated

Acceptance cannot be extended to accepting beliefs that refuse to accept others (racism, bigotry, sexism, ageism, ableism, xenophobia, etc.).  This seems contradictory on the surface, but it is absolutely essential to achieving acceptance and inclusion.  This is because when you accept or tolerate those who refuse to accept others, you are tangibly demonstrating that acceptance is not necessary.

When you accept or tolerate racists, you accept that it is OK for them to be racist, and create a hostile environment for people of color.

When you accept or tolerate bigots, you accept that it is OK for them to bigoted, and create a hostile environment for people of various genders and sexualities.

When you accept or tolerate misogynists, you accept that it is OK for them to be sexist, and create a hostile environment for women.

When you accept or tolerate ageist people, you accept that it is OK for them to be ageist, and create a hostile environment for older or younger people.

When you accept or tolerate ableist behavior, you accept that it is OK for them to be ableist, and create a hostile environment for disabled people.

When you accept or tolerate xenophobes, you accept that it is OK for them to be xenophobic, and create a hostile environment for those of various ethnicities, nationalities, and traditions.

When you accept or tolerate those who are intolerant, you create intolerance, and destroy any chance of an accepting environment.  It is absolutely critical to deny intolerance, and those who espouse such beliefs.

Or, put another way:

• Black Lives Matter
• Indigenous Lives Matter
• Transgender Lives Matter
• White Supremacy must be destroyed
• The Patriarchy must be dismantled
• All ages and experience levels are valid and beautiful
• All paths are unique, even when a person is part of a tradition or religion
• There is no such thing as a universally “True” tradition or religion
• The existence of other paths does not invalidate your path

“Separate” in the segregational sense is never equal, and damages and diminishes our communities.  Respecting the sanctity and validity of individual paths and traditions is fully compatible with, and necessary in order to achieve true inclusivity and acceptance.

When we accept and embrace the awesome beauty of diversity in its infinite forms, that act strengthens and expands the richness of our practices, traditions, and communities.

And Another Important Exception

In order to foster welcoming and inclusive environments, it is also essential to exclude those who engage in behaviors and beliefs which are actively harmful to others, even when such actions do not originate in a place of hate and fear.  Rapists, pedophiles, sexual predators, scam artists, and abusers of all kinds which prey on others should be expelled and excluded, and when possible prosecuted for their actions.

Keep in mind that abusers are usually just as good at grooming allies as they are at grooming victims, and because of this it is incredibly risky for victims to speak up.  Just because someone has always been nice to you, does not mean they are a nice person, and it is important to be discerning about those who selectively create harm.  Caring about your community means caring about everyone in your community, especially those who are at greatest risk or have already experienced harm.

There will always be another teacher, leader, priestx, organizer, etc.  When such roles are used as justification for tolerating abuse, it destroys the sanctity of those roles and undermines the health and wellbeing of the communities and traditions where the abuse is allowed to continue.

We all make mistakes.  However, there is a world of difference between people who make mistakes but are learning and working on being more accepting and inclusive, and those who repeatedly or deliberately engage in patterns of harmful behavior.  Be compassionate about mistakes, but do not allow “mistake” to be used as an excuse to ignore bad behavior.

If you are unsure which is the case in a particular situation, look into past behavior for repeated patterns (and other victims), and pay attention to ongoing behavior.  When something is a mistake, and the mistake is realized and acknowledged, a person will take steps to prevent the mistake from happening again.  Abusers can seem sincere in their apologies, but will continue to engage in harmful behavior, even if they do so more subtly and where they hope you will not see it.

The most welcoming, accepting, and inclusive environments will be those which create fertile ground for individuality, diversity, community, communication, and understanding, while denying shelter to all those who willfully harm others, no matter their reason for creating harm.