Deluding yourself, lying to yourself, might seem bad, but it can feel amazingly good.  It allows us to have hope even when there is none, or to feel like bad situations might not be so bad.  It helps to cushion the psyche against ongoing trauma and abuse, and helps us keep equilibrium in difficult situations.  With all those important benefits, it is really no surprise that people lie to and delude themselves all the time.  Later realizing a delusion has happened can be particularly painful and difficult to deal with, because not only is it a disappointment, but it shatters the good feelings we previously had.  This often leads people to deny they had been deluding themselves, and instead double down and descend into the realm of complete denial, conspiracy, and spiritual bypassing.

I watched my parents lie to themselves my entire childhood and swore to myself I never wanted to do that.  Yet, I have done so, and I am certain I will do so again.  I am not certain it is possible to entirely avoid deluding yourself, because there are so many benefits in the moment, and there is such a small, indefinable line between keeping a positive outlook and deluding yourself.  Yet, when you are committed to avoiding delusion, at least when you realize you are doing it you can stop, grieve, heal, and move on.

Why We Delude Ourselves (and why that’s not an inherently bad thing)

Delusion sounds like a harsh word.  It brings to mind images of that crazy ass conspiracy theorist who believes in ridiculous things that are not and could never be.  The thing is, there are different levels of delusion, and there are a lot of gray areas.

To be deluded about something means to believe in it even when you suspect or know it not to be true.

That sounds like something that should be easy to avoid, but it is not, because hope is a fickle thing, and the human mind does amazing gymnastics when we need something emotionally, even if that something is in defiance of logic or objective reality.

Some of the most blatant forms of self-delusion can be easily seen in conspiracy theorists because they have taken it to an incredibly toxic level of commitment, but this is an extreme and severe form of delusion.  There are also people with over-bloated egos or sense of privilege who delude themselves about their capabilities or rights.  However, most of the ways we lie to ourselves are much more subtle and difficult to identify when they happen.

In particular, delusion can be difficult to see when the transition happens between hope in an unknown situation, and holding onto that hope even after the situation objectively defies those hopes.  We do this all the time with jobs, housing situations, relationships of all stripes, pretty much any endeavor, and more.  Basically, you go into it hoping and planning for things to work out, and become emotionally invested in having that hope fulfilled, so you hold onto that hope even as bad signs pile up.

When signs first show that the hope was in vain, we tend to ignore them, because we either do not want to fail, or do not want the disappointment that happens when hopes go unfulfilled.  When realization starts to set it, we may try to figure out new ways to approach the situation, in the hopes that the outcome can be changed.  Such tactics can be admirable determination, changing the outcome so hopes are fulfilled, but that possibility just makes it even harder to know when you are being hopeful, vs when you are deluding yourself and putting in wasted effort.

Sadly, there is no concrete benchmark any of us can use to find that fine line between hope and delusion, and there is nothing wrong with crossing that line in pursuit of something meaningful.  I normally would rather go a little too far and have the outcome confirmed, than give up too soon and wonder if it would have worked out had I given it a little more time/effort/etc.  The trick is to back off or change course when the delusion is realized and hopes are shattered, at whatever point that happens.

Self-delusion can also be seen in abuse victims and just about any stress situation because it shields and protects the psyche from the full impact of the situation.  When I was a child, I knew my parents lied to themselves, and I constantly saw proof that they lied to me as well.  Yet, I deluded myself into believing they were honest, because it shielded me from recognizing the full brunt of toxic dynamics I could not escape and was ill equipped to deal with.  It protected me to delude myself, thereby making the situation easier to bear.

Later I deluded myself into believing that my parents wanted to change and have a healthy relationship with me. I was emotionally invested in the idea of having family, which is completely reasonable and a byproduct of an emotional need that should have been possible to fulfill.  The signs that my hopes were futile were there for literal decades, but I refused to look closely at those signs, because in doing so I would be closing the door on ever having my parents in my life.  It is not a bad thing that I wanted my parents to be a part of my life, that I was compassionate enough to give them more chances than they deserved.

I am not angry with myself for that delusion, for trying so hard.  I just think it is a shame that it was a delusion, that the hope I had was false, because no matter how much I wanted it, as long as they were unwilling to do the work it was never going to happen.  I think it is a shame that I knew intellectually a healthy relationship was impossible more than a decade earlier than my heart accepted it and I was able to walk away.

Deluding Yourself Feels Amazingly Good

Deluding yourself usually feels great!  It gives you hope, helps you feel that everything is going in the right direction, pushes aside worries and fears, or assures you that things are not as bad as they seem.

It feels a hell of a lot like being right, because when you are in the middle of it, you believe you are correct.  That delusion feels very, very real, even if there are gnawing doubts or blatant evidence to the contrary.

Who would not want to hold onto that amazing feeling, especially when the alternative is recognizing that you were not only wrong, but continued investing in something well past the time when you should have stopped?  It is hard enough to deal with disappointment when it happens cleanly.  It is even harder when you can add on guilt and frustration for ongoing wasted efforts.

Sadly, when it becomes that difficult and painful to face a mistake, a lot of people will choose to double-down on the delusion, because it feels better than facing the truth.  It seems easier, and in the moment far less painful, even if the delusion is harmful and creates its own pain and trauma.

Grief can Result from Realizing a Delusion has Happened

We experience grief any time we lose something we valued.  Thus, we grieve not just people and animals, but also places, situations, objects, and even ideas and possibilities.  When I became disabled, I began an ongoing grieving process for the capabilities I no longer had, and all the possibilities that were lost to me.  When I walked away from my parents, I grieved that the people I thought they were never existed, that I would never have the relationships I deserved to have with them.

We delude ourselves because we value the idea or possibility that the subject of the delusion is true.  That means that when we realize and accept that a delusion has happened, we cannot help but grieve for the loss of that idea or possibility.

Grief can hurt, a lot, but it is still worth doing, because the alternative is to let the grief fester in your shadow.  When we deny grief, it does not go away.  Instead, we end up hurting ourselves and others through behaviors and coping mechanisms that seek to keep that grief hidden and protected from sight.  When we accept and work through the process of grief, we can heal, learn from the situation, and be better prepared to recognize similarly impossible hopes in the future.

I was Deluding Myself

In the past couple years, I have emotionally invested in being involved in the transgender community online.  I am disabled and live out in the boonies, so even if covid wasn’t at play, online would be my only option for involvement in the community.  That involvement had the reward of feeling included and understood by a community of strangers who could directly relate, after a lifetime of feeling like my experience of gender was so different from anyone else’s that it was futile to expect others to understand.

Unfortunately, the most accurate gender term I can use for myself, intergender, is gatekept by a small but vocal group of people who want to deny its use to anyone who is not intersex.  I firmly believe that gatekeeping gender terms is patently harmful, because gatekeeping terms also erases and denies the gender experiences of people described by those terms.  It creates a situation where the gatekeepers erase the experiences of anyone they feel do not “qualify”, no matter how that person feels about themself. Gender transcends the sex and the sex traits a person is born with, and so too must gender terms.

I have almost entirely avoided using the accurate term of intergender, in favor of the umbrella term of nonbinary, in an effort to avoid being bagged on, harassed, and bullied by those gatekeepers.  This fed into the false impression that I was completely welcome in those communities.  The moment I got fed up with hiding and labeled myself accurately, there they were, ready to take me down and deny my gender experience.

That would have been unpleasant enough on its own, but it also led to realizing that I had been deluding myself about how accepted I was and how acceptable my experience is within those communities.  No one spoke out in my defense or validated my right to have my personal truths and immutable experiences, even though it happened in a transgender support group.  I was alone, facing erasure and being painted as a monster for having experiences I cannot change and are fundamental to who I am in this life.

The pain of realizing I had been deluding myself was the biggest hit of all, because it meant I had crossed that line and done that thing I swore to myself as a child that I never wanted to do.  I lied to myself.  I ignored the writing on the wall in favor of a false hope, so my behavior was dictated by the need to avoid having the truth slap me in the face.

Examining the Truth

It is a lot easier to recognize delusion and examine the truth if you know yourself well, and are also familiar with shadow work.

Having made that commitment to myself and having done as much shadow work as I have, when it did slap me in the face, I had to admit the truth.  I am not universally accepted like I should be (like we all should be), and there are people who feel fully justified in denying me, even within the transgender community.  I was hit with the feeling that I was an outsider and was unwelcome in a space that should have been safe. The fact that I am aware no one is universally accepted for anything, no matter the setting, was just further proof of the delusion.

Making that realization triggered anger and grief over the fact that I had done it to myself again, but then that gave way to thoughtfulness.  What else was I ignoring and deluding myself about?  It is rarely just one thing, but instead a huge spectrum of things that are related, that would reveal the delusion if faced honestly.  Sometimes those other things that get ignored to protect a delusion are actually very beneficial when acknowledged.

I know that every community has its share of assholes and bad actors.  That is the nature of humans in large numbers, and while vigilance and strong community values can keep the number to a minimum, assholes always exist.  Also, there are always going to be disagreements and people who do not see eye to eye, because they come from different perspectives with conflicting needs.  Sometimes neither or both people are the asshole and discord is inevitable, without either party needing to be banned from the community at large, even if they should avoid each other.

I knew those things were true, but I glossed it over and avoided looking at it, which meant I was also overlooking the truly good people.

One individual reached out in private message to let me know that they sympathized with the way I was treated and had blocked every single person who bullied or laughed at me.  While not as bolstering as standing with me publicly against the abuse, it was heartwarming enough to bring tears to my eyes.  If one person took the time to tell me that, then how many others had simply done it?  How many others saw the futility of engaging with people who felt so justified in discriminating against and erasing me, and just quietly blocked them instead?

They were entirely correct to just quietly remove those bad actors from their experience in the group.  It is far less traumatizing that way, while still ensuring they are not interacting with people who are harmful to their needs.

Deciding on a Course of Action

My initial impulse upon realizing the delusion was to quit every transgender and LGBTQ+ group I am involved with on social media.  In the heat of the moment, fueled by anger and grief, I was very much in a “Fuck them all!” frame of mind.

But I know that when you are angry or upset, it is usually best to wait and think things through, or you might take an irrevocable action you later regret, so instead I posted about my pain and frustration on my personal social media.  That gave me an outlet where I knew I would receive support and objective feedback, while I calmed down and considered things more carefully.

I do get value from those groups on social media, because that is the only feasible way I have of connecting with others in those communities.  I may not be the most active person in any of those groups, but those connections matter to me, and most of the time they are good.  Quitting in the heat of the moment would have been throwing out good after bad.

After thinking things through for a week, I have come to the decision that those groups are now on probation.  I will continue to participate in my normal, intermittent way, but I will no longer sensor myself.  I am not going to bait the gatekeepers, but when appropriate I will accurately label myself as intergender.  If a gatekeeper sees it and decides to object, I will not engage beyond posting a link to my article, Gatekeeping Gender Terms is Patently Harmful.  Any further erasure will be met with being blocked.

You see, I have written about blocking on social media before, and I need to take my own advice.  I am not the sort of person who can handle arguing indefinitely with those who are invested in misunderstanding and misconstruing me.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting, and I have too little energy to waste any of it on futile efforts, even if it might have benefit for the audience who silently witnesses.  I need to curate my experiences in those groups and do a lot more blocking of anyone who erases me by gatekeeping my inherent experiences, no matter their justification.

And if it turns out the moderators and administrators in those groups are among those who would deny the validity of my most accurate label, and by extension my innate experiences, then I will leave the group and go elsewhere.

There are a lot of amazing people out there, and if I am just more deliberate about how I engage with these groups, I can curate my experience to avoid the bigots, transphobes, and trolls, while still reaching good people and participating in the communities that I value.

So, if you, too, realize you have been deluding yourself about something, it really is OK, even if hurts like hell in the moment.  Feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do, and work through any grief, anger, and other unpleasant emotions that come up, so that you can think more clearly and decide on your best course of action going forward.  Whether it is a total loss (like my relationship with my parents) or just needs to be approached in a different way (like my social media groups), realizing and compassionately understanding your needs, truths, and options will provide you a much better future than staying in the lie.