As far back as I can remember into my childhood, I wanted to live a life free from regrets. Now that I am in my 40’s I have a rather large number of them, but I also do not feel like I let myself down. When I said “free from regrets”, what I really meant was “wouldn’t go back to change it if I could.” Accumulating regrets is a natural part of living, and although I do regret how things turned out now and again, I respect and understand all my choices that led up to those things. I can’t think of a single one where I look back and genuinely wish I had made another choice.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the noun form of regret as 1: sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair; 2: an expression of distressing emotion (such as sorrow)

Living a life without regret is impossible because regret is felt over things that are “beyond one’s control or power to repair“. And yet it is so easy to feel guilt over such events, to wish that you could go back in time and make a different choice so the regrettable event never came to happen, especially those regrets that cause the most guilt, anguish, and grief.

Emotions Are, so Give Yourself Grace

Your emotions exist, whether or not you want them to, and whether or not you bury, ignore, or disassociate from them so that you can pretend they are not there. I would never tell anyone that they should not feel an emotion they are feeling, but I do encourage people to acknowledge, respect, and respond to their emotions in a deliberate way. Working with your emotions is how you act instead of react.

The first step is to give yourself the grace to have your emotions, whatever they are, especially if they are painful or difficult. No emotion is good or bad, positive or negative. Instead, they are an essential part of the human experience – all of them! It is what you do as a result of your emotions than can be good or bad, or positive or negative in your life, not the emotions themselves. Anger and Fear, for example, can be invaluable for protecting your wellbeing, especially when you engage with them in a healthy manner. Grief is painful, but it shows us how much we continue to love and cherish that which is gone!

Since regrets are felt over things that are gone and done, they are a form of grief, a matter of reflection on the past and contemplations of might-have-beens. As with anything that is grieved, it is important to make peace with them so you can move on, even though it is unlikely you will eliminate the regret entirely. When regrets are allowed to remain like monsters looming over your life, they can bring you down and distract you from living with the moment and dealing with the opportunities in your life currently. This easily leads to even more regrets, as current choices go awry or new avenues go unnoticed.

When you make peace with your regrets, they can become like a shrine to your past experiences, efforts, hopes, and dreams. Regrets can be regarded with honor, and your emotions around regrets can be given the grace and respect they deserve.

When I said “free from regrets”, what I really meant was “wouldn’t go back to change it if I could.”

For me, finding peace is usually as simple as understanding the course of events, and how the regret came to be. That way I can see where fault truly lies, and confirm that I did the best I could with the aspects of the situation I could control. If there are things that I see which could have or should have been done differently, I will know those things going forward. That way I can make future choices with more knowledge and wisdom, to hopefully avoid having the same regret more than once.

It’s All Me

Sometimes the regrets we have stem from our own choices, things we either had control of at one point, or thought we had control of even though we didn’t. We made choices that we hoped would go well, but it turned out differently. Or, it turns out as wanted, but once we got there we realized it wasn’t what we expected it to be, so we become disappointed by the amount of time and effort and resources and emotional investment we “wasted” getting there.

One of my persistent regrets over something I could have controlled was that I never learned how to dance before I became disabled. I was always busy, and assumed I would get around to it later. Alas, my health had other plans, and I do not expect to ever have the physical stamina for dancing again in this life. That fact that I am now disabled is outside of my control, but I could have learned when I had the chance.

However, when I look back on those years when I could have, I was very busy with other things. Having a job was essential to survival, so I couldn’t forgo that for dance lessons. Outside of that, I was having a wonderful time doing other activities that were more important to me than dancing lessons. In retrospect, I would still make the same choices on the use of my time. There is nothing I was doing that I regret doing. There is nothing I wish I had traded for those dancing lessons. So, even if I were to go back in time, I wouldn’t change it. No matter how much I would have loved to do everything, that was physically impossible even when I was able bodied.

I may regret not learning how to dance, but if I had danced instead of doing something else, I would doubtless regret it instead, and probably more than I regret not dancing. In that scenario where I wanted to do more things than I was capable of doing all at once, I made the best possible, least-regretful choice.

It was the regret I felt over not making the right choice that helped me to understand that a right choice had existed in the first place!”

One of my bigger regrets is that I went to culinary school. No one twisted my arm. I was simply directionless, and it seemed like an option that would at least provide a stable career and ensure I never went hungry again (I am appalled at my naivete in believing that at the time). I ended up in student loan debt by a stupid amount, hated working in the industry, never achieved stability, and eventually gave up.

What I should have done instead was gone to the Academy of Art. I would have had just as stupid an amount of debt, but I would have had a degree that was relevant to an area of skill that I was passionate about. Even better would have been to go back to community college and studied art. It would have taken longer, but avoided the debt.

I regret that I went to culinary school instead of art school, but I also know that making the preferable choice was impossible in that moment. I was still too wound up in childhood trauma and parental discouragement around art to take that risk. In fact, it was specifically the fallout from culinary school that helped me realize that my parents were full of bull, there was no “safe” job choice, and I should go for the career I actually wanted, even though it was the one career my parents actively discouraged since I was a toddler.

It was the regret I felt over not making the right choice that helped me to understand that a right choice had existed in the first place!

Of course, it was too late to make a different choice. I already had student loans ready to default, so I felt it would be unwise to add on more student loan debt I would also be unable to pay. But, I did look closer at why I would have preferred the art school option, and did the best I could to get where I wanted without the schooling.

Because of that regret, I embarked upon work as an independent artist. I also dove much more aggressively into my shadow work and childhood trauma healing. Both of those things are among the best decisions I ever made.

Sometimes Things Just Don’t Work Out

Sometimes you look back on things that led up to a regret, and there is little to nothing that could have been done along the way to create a different outcome.

When I was working as an independent artist and sewist, I never saw financial success. I barely limped along, trying different things and putting in as much effort as I could. I was nowhere near ready to throw in the towel when my disability became so severe that I was forced to close up shop. I wanted to still be trying, and new options were opening up constantly because of changes in the internet and e-commerce. I just, literally, physically, couldn’t do the work needed to hold steady, let alone grow or try new things.

I have a lot of grief around that, and a lot of regret. I wish I could have held on, or picked it back up again, and I honor myself enough to recognize this is not something I will ever “get over”. I will always hold grief for how that endeavor was cut short.

But my story did not end with the ending of my business. As long as I live, my story continues, so although there are a lot of things I wish I had tried to make it work, I also know that even if one or more of those things had been successful, I would still have had to close shop, because disability is cruel.

It is important to let yourself take risks, because in those risks, yes, there is the danger that things will turn to regret, but there is also the possibility that things will go very, very right!”

So, I looked at what the important outcomes of the endeavor were, the things that made it worth doing even though I was never fully successful. I love working on creative things. I love sharing with the world as much as possible. Neither of those things require a business license or sales, and without financial goals they can be done at leisure. What you are reading right now is a consequence of my disability forcing massive changes to my life, and I most certainly do not regret being a writer.

It’s Not Me. It’s You.

Then, there are those times when you do everything you can, but other people, groups, businesses, etc., muck everything up so it turns out differently than you had hoped, if it turns out at all. This is an incredibly common reason to have regrets, because we are social creatures and depend upon each other for lots of things! We can create amazing things as groups, things that would be impossible alone, but lots of people means lots of opportunities for things to go wrong.

It is even possible that you are looking back over chains of events, expecting it to be your fault, or outside of anyone’s control, but realize that instead the blame lands squarely on the choices others made. It is also possible to expect it to be the fault of other people, but upon closer examination realize that they, too, did everything possible, or at least did not deliberately contribute to the regretful outcome.

When a regret stems from the choices made by another person, a business, a nonprofit, a government, etc., finding peace is often more involved than just understanding how things came to be.

Things can go awry from your point of view simply because other people involved had different priorities and perspectives. You thought you were working towards a common goal, but actually wanted different things. So, although it is disappointing and regretful, there is no malice at play, so in this kind of situation it may be best to focus on examining where miscommunication happened. By learning from the past, you can learn things that will help your future endeavors turn out better.

Sometimes, the source of a regret will require justice and/or accountability for full resolution. Exactly what that means, what efforts would be involved, and how much effort should be put into it, depends on the circumstances and what you need to heal and move on.

That might mean washing your hands of it and walking away entirely, leaving them unable to interfere in your life in the future. That might mean taking people to court over criminal behavior or civil damage. That might mean engaging in social activism to bring awareness to past events, or joining/starting a different group to help counter ongoing harm. That might mean engaging in baneful, protective, or other magic. That might mean all manner of personal or societal work, depending upon what happened, whether or not it is is an ongoing issue, how involved you were/are, and what you have the fortitude and resources to do about it without engaging in a self-destructive way.

For an example, I have regrets about my involvement with Between the Veils because they are struggling to adhere to their principles of accountability. This is a huge red flag issue for me because of my childhood abuse. I do not tolerate dishonesty or failures of accountability, because it creates a stressful atmosphere of distrust. So, as soon as I know dishonesty or lack of integrity is at play, I usually remove the individual or organization from my life, or at the very least keep them at arm’s length. Currently, I have BTV at arm’s length while I hope that they can sort out their stuff and figure out how to act with integrity.

Regrets might sting, but at least I know I tried. I did my best. I reach for things that matter to me. To do anything else would be the biggest regret of all.”

As of writing this article, I still feel betrayed, even though I am hopeful that BTV is trying. I resent that I gave BTV any of my limited funds, and I regret that I spent so much of my time and energy trying to help them grow and be successful. I do not have much energy to go around, and I had high hopes for Between the Veils based on what they said they would do. Yet, at the same time I am glad I did those things because of the people I met and the experience it gave me. Having conflicting and contradictory emotions is a painfully normal human experience.

The thing is, during the time I was supporting BTV I did not know that Between the Veils was going to ignore their own founding principles (a huge part of my personal motivation for getting involved). I couldn’t know that until they had done it! Until the proving moment came, I had to trust that they were sincere and would follow through on their stated intentions. It isn’t the sort of thing you can prove ahead of time. You just have to wait, and trust, and watch for when the moment comes that the stated intentions are tested.

I am not clairvoyant, so I cannot know in advance if things will turn out as hoped. I also do not want to live my life paralyzed by paranoia, avoiding the possibility of disappointment by passing unfair summary judgement before crimes have been committed.

I did exactly what I expect I would if presented with the same situation again. The potential outcome was worth the risk to me, and just because it didn’t pan out this time, doesn’t mean the idea and ideal are a wash. It just means BTV might not be the organization that will take me there.

It’s Not You. It’s Me.

What about when regrets stem from mistakes you made, mistakes or choices that negatively impacted other people? You messed up and hurt someone else, in a big enough way that the impact is lasting for both you and the other(s) involved.

I’m not talking about a deliberate choice that you made for good reasons and wouldn’t take back, even though it also caused harm along with the good. I’m talking about something you wish you had not done or had not happened, because of the harm it caused someone else.

In other words, what if you regret something that requires you to be accountable?

Apologies are a good place to start, but they need to be made with honesty and sincerity. In addition, all possible harm that can be undone must be undone, and there must be follow-through on efforts to not repeat the harm. In this way, all people involved can learn, grow, and heal.

Being accountable is not like putting coins in a vending machine that erases your regrets. Being accountable is the morally and spiritually responsible course of action, and it can be profoundly healing, but the past cannot be erased. That which is remembered is real.”

But sometimes the harm cannot be taken back, or affects others in such a way that they need to walk away, for their own wellbeing.

Let Them!

As someone who has had to walk away from family for my own wellbeing, and has conversed with a lot of other people who were also forced to take the same step, I assure you that trying to change their mind is a violation of boundaries and disrespectful in a profound way. When someone walks away, no matter their personal reasons, that is a choice they have made for the future of their life, and the most respectful option is to honor that choice and give them the space they want or need. And no, they do not owe you an explanation.

Disrespecting another person’s choices is antithetical to accountability. Forcing yourself on another human being who does not want you around is stalker behavior, as well. I don’t care what Hollywood says. It’s not romantic or cute. It’s disturbing, manipulative, and abusive.

Still, even if things have gone that far and part of your regret stems from losing someone you care about, accountability can be good for personal healing and growth. It can help you come to terms with your mistakes, and take steps to avoid ever making similar mistakes again.

Just please bear in mind that if you send an apology to someone who has walked away, you need to make certain that you fully and clearly own all of your mistakes without shifting the blame to others. Also have no expectation of return correspondence, no expectation that they need to forgive you, and no expectation they should resume contact. Their healing journey is their own, and placing your hopes and expectations on them is unfair and unjust after you created the situation they need to heal from.

Being accountable is not like putting coins in a vending machine that erases your regrets. Being accountable is the morally and spiritually responsible course of action, and it can be profoundly healing, but the past cannot be erased. That which is remembered is real.

As for how to avoid this kind of regret as much as possible, be mindful of the potential impact of your actions on other people as well as yourself, because whether your actions are mundane or magical, you are ultimately responsible for all the results, good and bad, intended or not, expected and unforeseen. Be open to learning, and engage with your fellow humans with as much compassion and empathy as you can so you can better anticipate potential outcomes and impacts on others.

Try to step outside of your own perspectives and see things from other points of view, because while each of us is the center of our own universe, we are are still a part of each other’s, and the choices we make impact more than just ourselves. Being able to take those things into consideration when making choices will help you to make choices that have the fewest possible regrets, or will help you make peace with your choices when what is best for you hurts someone else.

And sometimes people are just… bad for each other. Their personalities, needs, wants, etc. clash in such a way that for each to take care of themself, they will be unavoidably harming the other. It’s not that any one person is inherently toxic or bad, but the mixture is. They bring out the worst in each other and themselves. When that happens, the kindest thing for everyone involved is to just walk away.

Take the Risk

It is important to let yourself take risks, because in those risks, yes, there is the danger that things will turn to regret, but there is also the possibility that things will go very, very right!

Regrets might sting, but at least I know I tried. I did my best. I reach for things that matter to me. To do anything else would be the biggest regret of all.